This lemonade is bittersweet

I can’t believe it took a worldwide pandemic to reunite with my blog but apparently I needed an act of nature to get back to writing. I have been trying to find my feet in this adult world. No one really prepares you for the challenges of “adulting”, and I don’t mean paying taxes, finding a house or having a work-life balance, although those are also quite challenging. It is more the feeling of being so uncertain of the world and my place in it. As a child, I always assumed this feeling would disappear with age. However, the feeling has intensified rather than disappeared and yet for so long I procrastinated confronting it because I felt like I didn’t have the time. Instead, I allowed myself to get caught up with whatever was happening around me that I forgot to pay attention to what was happening inside of me. 

When the lockdown started, my initial sentiment was excitement as I thought it would be a great time to pick up some abandoned hobbies, rest and relax, and catch up on all my favourite shows and movies. Little did I know that this time at home would become a double edged sword. What I assumed would have been a time to forget my burdens and responsibilities instead became a time when all my feelings of uncertainty and consequently insecurity were brought to the surface. Even though I still had the skeleton to continue my pre-lockdown daily routine, I found myself paralysed with anxiety as the global panic around the pandemic seeped into my four walls. 

It’s funny to think that 9 months ago if I had been told we would have to stay indoors for our own protection for an indefinite period of time, I would have thought it was the best news I had ever received. I used to think of myself as an extroverted loner so I was quite excited at the prospect of limited physical interaction with strangers and friends. I seemed to forget that even though I do not always enjoy human interaction, I loved to be outside going to the cinema, a restaurant or a park by myself. But now suddenly I was forced to stay inside and began to realise just how much I used busyness as a distraction from my inner struggles. That realisation was only step one because I didn’t do much after that but sulk about what I felt was an immovable burden. 

One month went by and it became glaringly obvious that my escapism tactics would not suffice to get me through this season. Everywhere I looked, I was reminded of how nobody knows what is next for us and each day I was feeling more uncertain and insecure to the point of despair. It was at my lowest that I decided to make lemonade. Instead of struggling to push the feelings of uncertainty and insecurity away, I decided to push through them. In a way, I found comfort in observing the response to the pandemic of governments, companies and institutions around the world. It showed me that I wasn’t alone in feeling uncertain about the future. Even if I was certain about my future, anything could change at any moment and turn that certainty into uncertainty.

So if uncertainty is guaranteed no matter what, perhaps it is something to embrace instead of fight against. Maybe the uncertainty is not a bad thing after all, maybe it is meant to push us to find our passion and purpose. Life is less about the situations we find ourselves in and more about how we respond to them. We can choose to live in fear of the unknown, or embrace the journey through the unknown. Fear leaves us paralysed and doubtful but when we embrace the journey we see solutions where others see problems, we see opportunities that could not have arisen before and we can sing in the rain instead of just getting drenched in it. It isn’t easy to embrace the journey but when the alternative is dread and despair, it is worth the risk. 

To hope is sweet, but the uncertainty of whether we will get what we hope for carries a hint of bitterness. The good thing about uncertainty is, the outcome could be good or bad. You never know what tomorrow brings; hold on to the hope that it will be something good.