It’s a man’s world

I am writing this out of frustration because the men vs. women divide seems to be growing every day. Not a single day goes by without mudslinging from one side to another and yet within both groups, there is a lot more diversity of thought than between the groups. I think our society is long overdue in redefining a number of social constructs. We act like things like gender, race and economics are not manmade, elevating them to the level of science and remaining firm in our convictions even when we can no longer justify certain schools of thought. Social constructs were created by society, but society has changed, and our constructs need to change too before they tear us apart. But I digress, today I want to talk about men and women.

James Brown sang that it is a man’s world, but it would be nothing without a woman or a girl. And while there is indeed truth to that statement, I believe it is a half-truth. The older I get, the more I realise that we do not actually live in a man’s world, we live in a certain type of man’s world. And yes, I am well aware of the concept of male privilege. But privilege is a niche advantage that does not encompass all facets of the privileged one’s life. I, for example, have lived a very privileged life in respect to my education, I have had the privilege of being educated at great schools both in my home country and abroad. But that privilege has not protected me from things like crime, being broke, and discrimination. I must acknowledge though that my education has opened doors that others without the same education may not have had the opportunities to get access to.

This is how I have come to understand male privilege. Male privilege is seen in how men are held less accountable for the same behaviours that women are vilified for, such as being bossy or audacious or promiscuous. Male privilege is also seen in how men are praised for doing the bare minimum in contexts where women have to go the extra mile and receive no praise or recognition, such as child rearing. And the area where male privilege is most visible and pervasive is the workplace, men have much higher chances of upward mobility and success in their careers than women do. And while these privileges are infuriating to witness, they do not protect men from some of the same societal issues that women face such as shaming for individuality, sexual harassment, and abuse, be it, financial, emotional, and even physical. The experience of these issues may be different, but they are definitely felt on both sides. Unfortunately, some camps believe that the privilege men face in greater access and social progression makes them unaffected by societal issues. Even worse than not believing men are affected by these issues, are those who think that men’s experiences are not worse than those of women. Comparison is a dangerous game especially when comparing struggles because there is no end goal with comparison. It just leads to the struggle Olympics with all of us still in the same position as when we started.

“A gender-equal society would be one where the word ‘gender’ does not exist: where everyone can be themselves.” – Gloria Steinem

I think that we need to stop with the men vs. women debate. It is leading to the erasure of men in certain spaces and conversations in order to elevate women. Why does it have to be either or? Will we not end up in the same place a few hundred years from now when men feel they have been denied rights, the same way we have feminism now? I personally feel that the real fight is between masculinity and femininity. For some people, masculine and male are synonymous as well as feminine and female. Attributing masculinity and femininity to male and female is not just dangerous but it is also extremely limiting. Men are forced to hide any traits regarded as feminine for fear of being shunned or seen as less of a man. Women are not celebrated but rather castigated for expressing masculine traits. And yet, women with more masculine traits often experience greater upward mobility in their careers than women who are considered very feminine, unfortunately, this is often at the expense of a romantic partner or family. The common denominator in this equation is femininity.

Feminine traits such as feeling, tenderness and sensitivity are seen as weaknesses. Masculine traits such as confidence, assertiveness and courage are seen as strengths. So many men go all their lives fighting expressing any form of feminine traits to appear more masculine leading to toxic masculinity. Similarly, some facets of feminism favour abandoning femininity for masculinity in order to get some of the benefits of male privilege. But we all lose in these scenarios. Each one of us has a combination of masculine and feminine energy within us, to deny either one by leaning too much into one is a disservice to ourselves and our society. Everything in nature needs balance, too much of anything is bad, we need the rain but too much and we have floods, we need the sun but too much and we have drought. But when we have the sun and rain in balance, plants grow and thrive giving all of us in the food chain sustenance. Similarly, each of us needs to embrace our masculinity and femininity in order to achieve balance within ourselves.

I know that it takes years to undo generations of thinking and expectations that have been passed down without any consideration or discussion of the harm that thinking and those expectations cause. But we owe it to ourselves to try and make a difference in our own lives and in our society. Next time you find yourself thinking something a man is doing is feminine or something a woman is doing is masculine, rather than judge or condemn them, ask yourself in which way their actions are causing you any harm, and not perceived harm but actual harm. Unless someone is intentionally and actively hurting you, any feelings their actions stir up in you reflect your character rather than theirs. Everyone deserves the opportunity to figure out who they are and what the right balance of femininity and masculinity for them is without the judgment of society telling them that they are not enough, or they are too much.

I do not want to dismiss or diminish any of the suffering that women and so-called “feminine” men have experienced due to toxic masculinity. That suffering has caused so many problems for so many people in society, and we have a long way to go to correctly address this suffering and heal the direct and indirect victims. But think of the perpetrators of those actions as victims of toxic masculinity themselves. A lot of men experience abuses of unimaginable kinds but if they dare come forward, they tend to lose so much more than women do if they come forward, take for example, domestic violence. Female victims of domestic violence often get more support than male victims who are often ridiculed before or in lieu of support. If a man is exposed to abuse and his masculinity is wounded, with no healthy femininity to cope with the effects, he becomes an abuser, creating an endless loop of abuse. As women heal and embrace their femininity more while being unafraid to walk in their masculinity, we have more and more healthy women, but the wounded men get left behind and continue the cycle of abuse.  

“A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women and men.” – Gloria Steinem

So, what happens now? That is for each one of us to figure out in the context of our lives, influence, and environments. My job here is simply to start a conversation. Remember that at the end of the day, these traits existed before society decided to label them feminine and masculine. That is the meaning society attributed some time ago, we can choose to see them through a different lens. Masculine ≠ Male and Feminine ≠ Female. So what if you are not masculine or feminine enough? Are you happy? Are you at peace? I understand that breaking free from the shackles of societal norms and expectations is not easy but at some point, you have to choose whether you will live your life for you or for those around you.