Happy Mother’s Day

Days like this have different meanings to each person. For some it is a painful reminder of loss, for others a celebration of good fortune and for others a bittersweet reminder of unfulfilled potential. Regardless of your feelings towards your mother, it’s undeniable that a mother is a spectacular human being, good or bad, present or absent, these women create and/or sustain life whether the responsibility was one they gladly accepted or one that was thrown at them. This is a responsibility that none of us can comprehend until we find ourselves forced to assume it.

The role of a mother is constantly under debate because society can’t help but create rules and guidelines to govern every single thing we do. A mother is supposed to be a nurturer, a counsellor, a chef, a maid, a teacher, etc., all while continuing to be a strong, well put-together woman. It’s little wonder so many women shy away from the responsibility. It is by no means easy to be a mother, but we make it so much harder than it needs to be.

I do not believe there is one way to be a good mother. Each one of us is different and to think that we must fit in a box is the greatest disservice we can do to ourselves. Those that are the most successful in life are those that remain true to their identities. This is especially true about mothers. So many women frustrate themselves and their children because they are so concerned about being the perfect mother that they forget to be the best version of themselves. Being a mother is not a checklist, reducing it to that diminishes how glorious and enriching it can be.

I am not a mother, not yet anyway, so I cannot claim to know how to be a good mother. However, I am fortunate enough to have a superwoman of a mother who has been exemplary in everything she has set her mind to do. Growing up, I was always in awe of how she could balance her hectic career and still make time for her husband and her children. She was constantly on top of everything, so she was the go-to person for almost every problem at work and at home. It felt like she was always putting out fires and making sure things run smoothly. Eventually, she realised she was doing what she assumed she had to do but she was not feeling fulfilled.

A lot of us are under the impression that happiness is a result of what we do and not who we are. Mothers are usually victims of this because they get so caught up looking after everyone around them that they forget to look after themselves. It is an irrefutable fact that you cannot pour from an empty cup. The more you focus on everyone else around you, the less energy and resources you will have to sustain that focus if you are not cultivating in yourself first.

The more exhausted mothers get, the less energy they can put into balancing the “perfect” mother/wife/careerwoman roles and one or more areas begin to suffer. My own mother got so hung up on her ideas of what she needed to do to mould us into who she thought we needed to be. While she was succeeding as a wife and careerwoman, her role as a mother was becoming increasingly contentious. The result of that was inescapable tension in our house; she wasn’t happy because her frustration with us felt like a personal failure of hers. She was so drained by the weight of her expectations and perceived failure that she inadvertently ended up draining all of us too and a vicious cycle of unfulfillment was born.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment my mother changed, the change was so gradual that by the time I noticed it, I’m sure it had been happening for a while. I always admired my mother but once she started to invest more time in herself, I developed new respect for her. All my life I have known her to be a strong woman, but the vulnerability that she expressed to accept that she had been wrong and needed to change changed the definition of strength in my eyes. As she began to develop herself more and be kinder to herself, her approach to everything and everyone changed. She was now able to enjoy her life more knowing she had done all she could to raise us well and though she is responsible for us, our missteps are not her own fault. Instead of trying to meet high expectations that she set for herself and her family, she began to take each day as it comes celebrating the wins and learning from the losses.

Having experienced my mother’s metamorphosis, I have learnt some lessons I hope I remember to put into practice one day. Mothers are a force, you are magnificent, no one could do what you do better than you. Sometimes you will feel like your husband and your children have failed you and so you have failed yourself. Do not believe that lie, we all have our unique paths and no one knows what detours and routes we must each take. We never stop learning in life, so what look like failures or mistakes are simply opportunities for growth and change. As we grow, we need at least one person to believe in us and show us how to believe in ourselves so that we can have the courage to embrace the change that needs to happen for the sake of growth. That’s your most important role as a mother, not trying to mould yourself or your family into a “perfect” example, rather being the best version of yourself so everyone around you can do the same. Dear mothers, you do not get enough credit for all you do but we love you and we thank you, after all none of us would be here without you.